Thursday, September 18, 2008

Interview With a Vampire Effer

During the past few days of Vampire Week we've become fascinated with the phenomenon of Vampire groupism. To get to the bottom of why girls do it with Vampires, we tracked down the foremost expert on Vampire sex we could find.

Bob is a girl I met while in college who has had tons of interesting life experiences. I sat down with her and talked to her about "Vampire culture" and eating period blood.

Who are you and how many Vampires do you know?

My name is Bob and I'm a model for and I've known 3 vampires personally in my life.

First things first, how did you meet these Vampires and can you explain them to our readers a bit? How did they become a Vampires?

I've only know a couple of vampires. I dated one for a couple of months and I worked with a couple a few years back. I never really ASKED how they became vampires...they just were. Plus, I guess it's sort of personal.

Did they drink blood? Do modern Vampires have to pasteurize their blood in the microwave or something to kill the AIDS in it? Where did he get the blood from?

Some vampires drink blood you can get from donation clinics, my friends that I knew drank from willing donors that they had on hand. With the former, you'd want to microwave it anyway...'cause it comes cold. And, the HIV virus that causes AIDS can be killed by exposure to air, so all you'd have to do would be to let it sit out for a minute. But, when your supply comes from people, it's always a limited amount so you also have to watch your diet: no garlic…which is a blood stimulant.

I totally guessed about the microwave. I must be in tune to Vampire sensibilities after all those YouTubes. One thing I don't get is how do modern day Vampires deal with their day to day errands? If he can't leave the house until after nightfall how does he get any banking done? Banks close around 6...

There's always online banking...and most of the time you've got people who can run errands for you during the day. Although, most of the vamps I knew COULD go out in the was just really painful to do so. Covering up with layers of clothing is the best way to avoid that sort of thing.

Where you intimate with any of the Vampires?

Who could resist?

I think I could... How did he feel about your menstruation cycle? I know it's kind of personal but did he drink it? Does the Vampire culture have any
special names for this time of the month? On Beezies & Bankrolls we've been calling it "Vampire Week".

I was really young when we dated and I come from a small most of those repressed sensibilities were present in our relationship. So, it was actually something we didn't talk about. I don't know if there's a name for it, but although it's different from intravenous blood. I know of vamps who do drink it...and it is a very personal act. Also, now they have itunes apps for tracking cycles and I'm sure that's beneficial to the community.

I think that could be beneficial to a lot of people's white sheets. Speaking of laying down with someone, is it hard to have sex in a coffin?

No way. I think it's something everyone should long as your flexible. Doing the splits in a coffin while having sex isn't for everyone, but it comes highly recommended.

Vampires only bite the neck right? I mean if one of our readers was going to get hot and heavy with a Vampire Chick should they be worried about letting those fangs close to their junk?

I'd be worried if you didn't trust her. One of the largest veins (the femoral) is in the inner thigh.

With the whole garlic thing, was Italian food out of the question on date nights?

Italian is one of my faves, so it was a little difficult. But, you can always find places that accommodate alternative lifestyle choices. After all, I'm the chefs were probably more upset with my orders than his. :)

Are there any vegan Vampires? Is blood vegan? Are vegan chicks allowed to swallow?

There are vegan vampires out there. Veganism extends to the abstinence from using animal products and byproducts in daily life. Most people (including vampires) don’t see people as animals. Although, it DOES mean no leather boots.

I know you a bit… I thought Vampires only prayed on virginal chicks

I think that's just a myth that relates back to a time period that was all about sexual I think it's safe to say Vamps are more forward thinking and sex positive, like much of the population.

The main thing I would be concerned with in dating a Vampire would be hygiene, how do they know they're looking pretty if they can't use mirrors?

I think it was easier dating a takes less effort to look good. Just hair gel and clothes, and he was ready for a night on the town. But, the girl vamp I knew...always looked impeccable. I don't really know how she did it, but she always had style.

Maybe she used the camera on her cell phone. Has technology made being a Vampire easier?

I think technology has improved everyone’s quality of life and vamps are reaping the benefits as well. Like the aforementioned itunes app and online banking, various technology-based advances including vampyric-based social networking have improved vampires ability to function in mainstream society.

What is the current state of vampire civil rights? are the different castes (techno/blade, classic/interview with the vampire) of vampires peaceful or do they remain segregated?

From my limited understanding, I think they're fairly civil. But, there are segregated groups. The lowest of which are "psychic vampires." They supposedly feed off people's psychic energy rather than blood...and I think a lot of them are just idiots pretending to hang with a culture they can’t fully commit to.

Is Vampire sex any different than human sex? Being technically undead, did rigor mortis ever come into play? Was this pleasurable? Can Vampires get boners even though they lack blood pressure? Are wiener pumps necessary for Vampire wood?

I don't think it was any different. I think it was probably a bit more adventurous you come up with a lot of interesting positions in a coffin.

Wesley Snipes, yay or nay?

Nay all the way...Stephen Dorf totally should have won that battle.

Is wearing leather a requirement or a decision for vampires?

Decision...and I think more fashion forward vamps are moving into customized latex these days.

Customized latex? Isn't that a bondage thing?

No, there’s a whole different camp of fashion emerging in the Goth scene called Fetish Fashion. While many of the styles have their beginnings in fetish they have evolved into more mainstream attire.

Some sites I would recommend are:

Have you ever been bitten by a Vampire? Was it sexual? Are you infected (or blessed?) with Vampire DNA? What have you found the most effective in hiding unseemly bite marks?

I've been bitten but there was no exchange of I don't have any vampiric traits. And, the best way to hide a bite? Cover it up...jeans and turtlenecks.

Is Count Chocula looked upon with disdain and embarrassment or seen as a pioneer, sort of making 18,000 tiny cracks in the glass ceiling for vampires?

Disdain...of course it's hard to have a cartoon represent an entire class of people. How would you feel about Mr. Magoo representing you?

Popped collars: fashion faux pas or clever defense against vampires

Personally, I say sign of the marked. I, myself, would slit the throat of anyone with a popped collar just to keep the "disease" from spreading.

Are you sure you're not part Vampire?

I’ve played one in a TV pilot, but life doesn’t imitate art in this case.

From our little discussion it really seems like Vampires are just real kinky people that have taken their bondage lifestyle to the next level. They dress in latex, exchange body fluids, have weird contraptions to do it in, have people (gimps?) that go and run errands for them.... shit it sounds like Vampires are living the American dream.


  1. This interview was so sweet! Count Chocula is the man, I don't care what this vampire effer says.

  2. here's a big question that was omitted from this insightful piece of investigative journalism::

    do female vampires drink their own period juices? if they do, how do they reach their own Vagigis? or do they just hold a cup underneath?