Asymmetric Limbz: Accessorize Your Hemi

Dear WasteManagement,
Now that everyone is jumping on the Asymmetric Limbz bandwagon what can I do to make my hemi UNIQUE?
Embraces,
Steve

(In case you missed it/live in a red state/have no eyes, Steve is referring to the hot new fashion trend Xposed this week in a Beezies & Bankrolls XCLUSIVE.)

Steve,
The first thing I would suggest is steroids. Make your hemi the biggest, baddest, most-contrasting-with-your-other-limpdick-arm hemi on your particular block in Brooklyn/Silverlake/The Mission/Austin. If you're a pussdog, then here are some other wayz to ACCESSORIZE YOUR HEMI:

BRACELETS:

"The Bowling Arm" is made from recycled cricket balls, so you can feel good about your GRN hemi.

Notice this babe showing off her handsome The Bowling Arm while working out her hemi simply by resting her heavy head (laden with deep thoughts about the frozen c(red)it market) on it.

TATTOOS:
DO:

Holy god damn it! This 100% SAVAGE shows off his hemi with a BEAR showing off HIS hemi. Totally self-reflexive, totally sicko.
DON'T:

This guy totally doesn't understand irony. Obvi, everybody with a HEMI hearts THE DUDE, but you can't be all fanboy gay about your love of Lebowski, not cool.

Ditto.

ETHNIC BOOTY:

Obvi, ethnic booty (even AZN) can compliment a hemi like earthworms in a garden (do ya'll compost?).

BOWLING BAG & CARTESIAN DRESS:

This babe is a double threat. The square grid pattern on her dress help us to clearly see the angle of her swagger. Holding her bowling bag with her hemi, this babe is seriously heavy on the right. Obvi when one side of your body is heavier than the other it's only natural to LEAN and GET YOUR SWAGGER RIGHT.

B&B EXCLUSIVE! Asymmetric Limbz: The Next Big Fashion Craze!

You heard it here first: having one arm/leg bigger than the other is totally alternative.

The FASHION ESTABLISHMENT has long been telling us that the beauty of a person's face is directly related to it's symmetry: the more symmetric the more beatiful. F that noiz, symmetry is wack. ASYMMETRY is a lifestyle choice. I'm already unstable from PBRs and poppin wheelies on my fixie, time to embrace my unbalance and work out one arm and not the other. Fuck my left arm, that shit is for sleeping on.

Bowlers (who we all know are f'ing rad since The Big Lebowski is the 100% best) have been championing this look for years (they call it "bowling arm"). These guys have one huge buff arm (for hurling and BALLING) and one "sensitive" arm (for wiping and listening):


I mean, LIGHTNING CRASH, doggies, that's a big FUCK YOU to GOD! He made you with limbs that were totally the same (bor-ing!). It's time for hipsters to say FU to that conformist noize and appropriate bowler's bold limb accessorizing:

Can I get a what-what!?

As with any hot new fashion trend, it's important to know Asymmetric Limbz tru rootz:
The tru pioneerz of AL suffered from a rare genetic disease called "Hemihypertrophy," a condition where one side of your body grows faster than the other. It's all sad and whatever, but more importantly Hemihypertrophy contains the words "HEMI" (a big Dodge engine that when embraced by hipsters is totally ironic [read:awesome]), "HYPER" (which means literally "from the motherfucking future"), and "TROPHY" (a symbol of conformist accomplishment that hipsters never won b/c they were busy discovering sizick bandz and rejecting THE RULEZ while you were playing with stupid balls [gay]). Clearly HEMIHYPERTROPHY is an amazing word.

"Asymmetrical limbz: loved by those who have one, dreamt about by those who don't."

So I've been working out my left leg and my right arm (I call it my "HEMI"), and the resulting imbalance has given me a totally UNIQUE limp. Having a sicko Hemi to show off dictates brave new fashion moves, like the ONE-SLEEVE-CUTOFF:

BALLING! Obvi when I'm at work I'd like show off my Hemi, but B&B's strict dresscode won't allow me to wear my cutoff... Being awesome sparks innovation:

WHERE MY LAYDEEZ!?!? Hemis are for gurlz too:

and OBVI, the UNI-SLEEVE-UNI-TARD:

Bold indeed.

It's stupid to voluntarily disfigure yourself, you say? Pssh! How stupid does my asymmetric right foot feel up your front-butt?


So hit the WEIGHT and throw a Hemi on that bitch! (the bitch being you.)