HUMPKINS

On my recent trip to Texas, I discovered an alternative Halloween activity popular among the sexually adventurous residents of Austin: HUMPKINS


A UT grad student nicknamed "Grimy" claims he invented the HUMPKIN because "none of my undergrads were willing to tug my gourd."

According to Grimy, there are different types of HUMPKINS for different kind of HUMPKERS:

Traditional "jacks" carve their humpkins like jack-o-lanters, scooping out the seeds, carving a hole, and placing a candle inside to warm things up (just remember to blow it out before "squashing it").

"Seeders" leave the seeds in and microwave the pumpkin for 15-30 seconds prior to "chunkin' it." Jacks often label Seeders noobs, "it's easy to just poke a hole in a pumpkin and fuck it, where's the fun in that?" says an jack who identified himself as The Zucch. "It ain't art," replied a seeder ironically named Art. "I do what feels right."

Gay or straight, jack or seeder, all humpkers agree: there's nothing like the first time. "You don't carve the hole all the way, so you've got a layer of pulp to poke through," says Grimy. "It really gives you a sense of accomplishment... and, it won't be that tight ever again..."


Carved a HUMPKIN? Email us a pic at beeziesandbankrolls@gmail.com

Asymmetric Limbz: Accessorize Your Hemi

Dear WasteManagement,
Now that everyone is jumping on the Asymmetric Limbz bandwagon what can I do to make my hemi UNIQUE?
Embraces,
Steve

(In case you missed it/live in a red state/have no eyes, Steve is referring to the hot new fashion trend Xposed this week in a Beezies & Bankrolls XCLUSIVE.)

Steve,
The first thing I would suggest is steroids. Make your hemi the biggest, baddest, most-contrasting-with-your-other-limpdick-arm hemi on your particular block in Brooklyn/Silverlake/The Mission/Austin. If you're a pussdog, then here are some other wayz to ACCESSORIZE YOUR HEMI:

BRACELETS:

"The Bowling Arm" is made from recycled cricket balls, so you can feel good about your GRN hemi.

Notice this babe showing off her handsome The Bowling Arm while working out her hemi simply by resting her heavy head (laden with deep thoughts about the frozen c(red)it market) on it.

TATTOOS:
DO:

Holy god damn it! This 100% SAVAGE shows off his hemi with a BEAR showing off HIS hemi. Totally self-reflexive, totally sicko.
DON'T:

This guy totally doesn't understand irony. Obvi, everybody with a HEMI hearts THE DUDE, but you can't be all fanboy gay about your love of Lebowski, not cool.

Ditto.

ETHNIC BOOTY:

Obvi, ethnic booty (even AZN) can compliment a hemi like earthworms in a garden (do ya'll compost?).

BOWLING BAG & CARTESIAN DRESS:

This babe is a double threat. The square grid pattern on her dress help us to clearly see the angle of her swagger. Holding her bowling bag with her hemi, this babe is seriously heavy on the right. Obvi when one side of your body is heavier than the other it's only natural to LEAN and GET YOUR SWAGGER RIGHT.