We've learned a lot this week about vampires, from their banking habits to the jeans they wear-- and we've come to realize that vampires are a lot like the other misunderstood objects of society's hate: gays and Scientologists. Just look at how people respond when a vampire is running after them (probably just wanting to swap Negroni recipes):
A GUN? OMG! Survey says: Y'all are haterz! Vampires are the victims of a lot of negative stereotyping and fearmongering, so stop mongering and let's heal this crazy world:
Showing posts with label vampires. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vampires. Show all posts
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
VAMPIRES: Working The Night Shift
Imagine: you just finished working the night shift and are wiping the yolk from your lips after another delicious Grand Slam at Dennys, you pay the bill, walk outside to smoke a clove and watch the sun rise, only to be greeted by an angry mob of pitchfork-and-torch wielding townsfolk. WTF!? They're all mad because you're stacking paper, feeding yourself. Really, they're pissed about your job, they say it's harming people, even killing some... TELL EM:
TI - Just Doin' My Job
Do you see where I'm going with this? All kinds of folks do things that kill other people to survive. Drug dealers, bartenders, politicians, vampires, hair bands...
Great White - Once Bitten Twice Shy
What cruel double standard.
BTW: Pitchforks&Torches is the name of my new slow food restaurant in Silverlake (come for the heirlooms, stay for the angry misguided rural resentment)
TI - Just Doin' My Job
Do you see where I'm going with this? All kinds of folks do things that kill other people to survive. Drug dealers, bartenders, politicians, vampires, hair bands...
Great White - Once Bitten Twice Shy
What cruel double standard.
BTW: Pitchforks&Torches is the name of my new slow food restaurant in Silverlake (come for the heirlooms, stay for the angry misguided rural resentment)
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
VAMPIRES: Transylvania Groupie Love
Vampires are orally fixated (duh) and will mouthify just about anything with a pulse, but they aren't necessarily ONLY after your blood, there's a new breed of clever teenage vampire gold-diggers, and they're after designer purses and trucks as well:
But what about those people who in return LOVE vampires? Sound retarded? Totes. Check out this fine pair of angry bat-humping groupies:
He's a model, so STFU!
Anyway, it’s well known that if you’re indiscriminate about how many vampire cocks you suck, then you’re a slut. But let’s try to look beyond the common mythology behind vampires and the groupies that coddle their pale immortal ballsacks and listen to some classic synth pop exploring vampire groupieism:
We all just want to be wanted... and Dolce&Kabanna?
But what about those people who in return LOVE vampires? Sound retarded? Totes. Check out this fine pair of angry bat-humping groupies:
He's a model, so STFU!
Anyway, it’s well known that if you’re indiscriminate about how many vampire cocks you suck, then you’re a slut. But let’s try to look beyond the common mythology behind vampires and the groupies that coddle their pale immortal ballsacks and listen to some classic synth pop exploring vampire groupieism:
We all just want to be wanted... and Dolce&Kabanna?
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
VAMPIRES: Are You Buying It? Pt II
Campari, the liquor your stepmom mixes with orange juice and drinks all fucking day (get a job, whore), is also the favorite of another kind of bloodsucker: vampires. Campari was concocted in the 1860's by an Italian fellow named Gaspare Campari, and 150 secret years later Campari still made from the same secret formula of secret ingredients...
Obvi, this commercial gave me intense (and confusing) boner-guilt. But it also raises several fascinating points:
1. Vampires will eat you no matter your genitalia. Boy vampires will eat boys, girl vampires girls-- in that regard, they are enlightened.
2. Eyes Wide Shut was a neat film and I liked the scene where Tom and Nic share a joint and then fight in their undies!
3. Campari is people!-- a fact Charlton Heston was close to uncovering before he imploded into his own front-butt.
Further evidence:
Obvi, this commercial gave me intense (and confusing) boner-guilt. But it also raises several fascinating points:
1. Vampires will eat you no matter your genitalia. Boy vampires will eat boys, girl vampires girls-- in that regard, they are enlightened.
2. Eyes Wide Shut was a neat film and I liked the scene where Tom and Nic share a joint and then fight in their undies!
3. Campari is people!-- a fact Charlton Heston was close to uncovering before he imploded into his own front-butt.
Further evidence:
VAMPIRES: Are You Buying It?
Vampires love designer jeans. Especially ones that have been processed heavily to look “vintage.” The wear and tear of eternity exhibits especially well on CK jeans.
In the 80's, Calvin and Brooke Shields teamed up to produce some very compelling vampire propaganda:
The origin of an entirely new species indeed...
In the 80's, Calvin and Brooke Shields teamed up to produce some very compelling vampire propaganda:
The origin of an entirely new species indeed...
Monday, September 15, 2008
VAMPIRES: Are WE The Suckers?
Vampires are as hot as ever (True Blood, Twilight, Katy Perry) and they aren't just after our chapstick-- they're out for our hearts. So this week BEEZIES & BANKROLLS is putting on its investigative journalist hat and brazenly muckraking the blood-barrel politics of "Big Bat." Not convinced vampires exist? Fine, I'm not sure Sting exists either, but that doesn't mean he's not worth all those fan letters I wrote him:
Dear Sting,
I'm interested in hanging out with you in your fields of gold. They sound awesome. Do you like baseball?
If I Ever Lose My Faith In You...
Evan
Dear Sting,
On your album Dolphins, you sandwich track #4 "When Dolphins Dance," between songs more masculinely titled "Fill Her Up" and "Ghost Story." I don't think you're gay, but I can see why you might be worried people might take "When Dolphins Dance" the wrong way. Good move.
Be Yourself No Matter What They Say,
Evan
He never answered my letters, masterfully lurking obscured in the shadows, free to murkily inhabit whatever forms my imagination may dream... Being that he's an expert on pretty much everything, I thought Sting should lead off our investigation into the vampire psyche (with a visual assist from Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise):
Sting - Moon Over Bourbon Street
When a flaming torch just isn't practical, vampires floss a playful decorating sense, juxtaposing lavish classical antiques with modern pendant lamps. BTW, if you thought the French manicure was dead (or just for sassy Latinas) guess again! Vampire style, like themselves, is timeless.
Dear Sting,
I'm interested in hanging out with you in your fields of gold. They sound awesome. Do you like baseball?
If I Ever Lose My Faith In You...
Evan
Dear Sting,
On your album Dolphins, you sandwich track #4 "When Dolphins Dance," between songs more masculinely titled "Fill Her Up" and "Ghost Story." I don't think you're gay, but I can see why you might be worried people might take "When Dolphins Dance" the wrong way. Good move.
Be Yourself No Matter What They Say,
Evan
He never answered my letters, masterfully lurking obscured in the shadows, free to murkily inhabit whatever forms my imagination may dream... Being that he's an expert on pretty much everything, I thought Sting should lead off our investigation into the vampire psyche (with a visual assist from Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise):
Sting - Moon Over Bourbon Street
When a flaming torch just isn't practical, vampires floss a playful decorating sense, juxtaposing lavish classical antiques with modern pendant lamps. BTW, if you thought the French manicure was dead (or just for sassy Latinas) guess again! Vampire style, like themselves, is timeless.
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