the ultimate ALTcessory

it's fun to have a little animal you can dress up and take care of until you're sick of it and you can leave it at the pound-- they won't let you do that with a baby which is bullshit. but like, seriously, everyone has a f'ing dog and if you carry around a cat ppl think you're homeless. i want an animal that is like 100% ironic in a modern urban setting, and takes HUGE shits that i totally won't pick up:

Uh Huh Her - Not A Love Song
speaking of huge piles of shit, how awful is that song? mute it and watch the shit out of that mini-horse.

for real though, that little mini horse would totally fit in my loft. and he'd fart on the elevator and get really huge red rockets...

B&B EXCLUSIVE! Asymmetric Limbz: The Next Big Fashion Craze!

You heard it here first: having one arm/leg bigger than the other is totally alternative.

The FASHION ESTABLISHMENT has long been telling us that the beauty of a person's face is directly related to it's symmetry: the more symmetric the more beatiful. F that noiz, symmetry is wack. ASYMMETRY is a lifestyle choice. I'm already unstable from PBRs and poppin wheelies on my fixie, time to embrace my unbalance and work out one arm and not the other. Fuck my left arm, that shit is for sleeping on.

Bowlers (who we all know are f'ing rad since The Big Lebowski is the 100% best) have been championing this look for years (they call it "bowling arm"). These guys have one huge buff arm (for hurling and BALLING) and one "sensitive" arm (for wiping and listening):


I mean, LIGHTNING CRASH, doggies, that's a big FUCK YOU to GOD! He made you with limbs that were totally the same (bor-ing!). It's time for hipsters to say FU to that conformist noize and appropriate bowler's bold limb accessorizing:

Can I get a what-what!?

As with any hot new fashion trend, it's important to know Asymmetric Limbz tru rootz:
The tru pioneerz of AL suffered from a rare genetic disease called "Hemihypertrophy," a condition where one side of your body grows faster than the other. It's all sad and whatever, but more importantly Hemihypertrophy contains the words "HEMI" (a big Dodge engine that when embraced by hipsters is totally ironic [read:awesome]), "HYPER" (which means literally "from the motherfucking future"), and "TROPHY" (a symbol of conformist accomplishment that hipsters never won b/c they were busy discovering sizick bandz and rejecting THE RULEZ while you were playing with stupid balls [gay]). Clearly HEMIHYPERTROPHY is an amazing word.

"Asymmetrical limbz: loved by those who have one, dreamt about by those who don't."

So I've been working out my left leg and my right arm (I call it my "HEMI"), and the resulting imbalance has given me a totally UNIQUE limp. Having a sicko Hemi to show off dictates brave new fashion moves, like the ONE-SLEEVE-CUTOFF:

BALLING! Obvi when I'm at work I'd like show off my Hemi, but B&B's strict dresscode won't allow me to wear my cutoff... Being awesome sparks innovation:

WHERE MY LAYDEEZ!?!? Hemis are for gurlz too:

and OBVI, the UNI-SLEEVE-UNI-TARD:

Bold indeed.

It's stupid to voluntarily disfigure yourself, you say? Pssh! How stupid does my asymmetric right foot feel up your front-butt?


So hit the WEIGHT and throw a Hemi on that bitch! (the bitch being you.)