HUMPKINS

On my recent trip to Texas, I discovered an alternative Halloween activity popular among the sexually adventurous residents of Austin: HUMPKINS


A UT grad student nicknamed "Grimy" claims he invented the HUMPKIN because "none of my undergrads were willing to tug my gourd."

According to Grimy, there are different types of HUMPKINS for different kind of HUMPKERS:

Traditional "jacks" carve their humpkins like jack-o-lanters, scooping out the seeds, carving a hole, and placing a candle inside to warm things up (just remember to blow it out before "squashing it").

"Seeders" leave the seeds in and microwave the pumpkin for 15-30 seconds prior to "chunkin' it." Jacks often label Seeders noobs, "it's easy to just poke a hole in a pumpkin and fuck it, where's the fun in that?" says an jack who identified himself as The Zucch. "It ain't art," replied a seeder ironically named Art. "I do what feels right."

Gay or straight, jack or seeder, all humpkers agree: there's nothing like the first time. "You don't carve the hole all the way, so you've got a layer of pulp to poke through," says Grimy. "It really gives you a sense of accomplishment... and, it won't be that tight ever again..."


Carved a HUMPKIN? Email us a pic at beeziesandbankrolls@gmail.com