On my recent trip to Texas, I discovered an alternative Halloween activity popular among the sexually adventurous residents of Austin: HUMPKINS A UT grad student nicknamed "Grimy" claims he invented the HUMPKIN because "none of my undergrads were willing to tug my gourd."
According to Grimy, there are different types of HUMPKINS for different kind of HUMPKERS:
Traditional "jacks" carve their humpkins like jack-o-lanters, scooping out the seeds, carving a hole, and placing a candle inside to warm things up (just remember to blow it out before "squashing it").
"Seeders" leave the seeds in and microwave the pumpkin for 15-30 seconds prior to "chunkin' it." Jacks often label Seeders noobs, "it's easy to just poke a hole in a pumpkin and fuck it, where's the fun in that?" says an jack who identified himself as The Zucch. "It ain't art," replied a seeder ironically named Art. "I do what feels right."
Gay or straight, jack or seeder, all humpkers agree: there's nothing like the first time. "You don't carve the hole all the way, so you've got a layer of pulp to poke through," says Grimy. "It really gives you a sense of accomplishment... and, it won't be that tight ever again..."
Carved a HUMPKIN? Email us a pic at beeziesandbankrolls@gmail.com
Before discovering this girl's videos, I used to put on some Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz if I really wanted to get my Incredible Hulk on for "the club" or doing sex or any of the other extreme activities in my extreme lifestyle. I don't know if it's because of her misshapen Mr. Potato Head features or if she's just an annoying whore but god damn she makes me angry!!!
I know it's not very Gandhi of me, but I really want to punch her in that big nose.
I've been doing a lot of thinking. I know I'm going to get kinda super throwed for Halloween. I've got my costume mostly figured out, I know where I'll be celebrating and I know what I'll be drinking but until yesterday I didn't know the dance that I'd be doing.
this happened to my friend moneybags. his girl sniffed it and said it smelled like cheesy lava sauce, so it was all good, dude was just gettin his fourth meal on.
I got the chance to talk with Berkeley's greatest rap group,Hard Knock, in an exclusive Beezies & Bankrolls interview.
First some pictures off their myspace to familiarize you with the the group
Da Kid
Lil Nico
Freaky
How did you guys meet?
Me (Da Kid) and Lil Niko met in a cypher behind Steamworks in Berkeley. About a month later we met Freaky while we were camping out in front of the Virgin Megastore to meet Clay Aiken during an album signing. We all got along so well and had so much in common that we were inseparable from then on. This was a very happy day in all of our lives.
We did get sad when Clay's tour manager told us that we weren't what they were looking for in back-up dancers.
What are some swagger enhancing tips for the kids?
Our number one tip is never stop celebrating Jesus.
Who's swagger inspires you?
Lately we've been really into Liberace, that guy's swagger is so on point. All that fur, all those diamonds, he's quite the sex symbol. He's sexier than Cam'ron.
What are your thoughts on Old Spice's Swagger deodorant?
It's actually a funny story, this is how the hook for "Swagger Right" came about. We used to be all about TAG deodorant when we were going through our Abercrombie faze. Once we started rapping more hardcore our crew decided to all switch over to Old Spice's Swagger flavor. Lil Nico has really really short arms, which wasn't much of a problem while using TAG because it was spray on. With Swagger since it's roll on, Lil Nico's arms couldn't really reach, so he'd have to lean his torso closer to his tiny T-Rex arms. We would all gather around and cheer him on "Lean get your swagger right", that's where the dance came from.
How did the whole BET thing come about?
This is such an amazing story. We are HUGE fans of America's Next Top Model, and we made a couple tribute mixtapes just for Tyra and J Alexander somehow Freaky mixed up the mailing addresses and was sending the mixtapes to the cast of BET's Baldwin Hills (go figure). One thing led to another and we got on 106 and Park. It was all very exciting.
Does going on Youtube and seeing all the lames doing your dance make you guys upset? Or is it just a sign that you are on to something good?
Do you mean the fat Asian? Yeah it really bothers us. Soulja boy gets buffed out shirtless dudes to get while and crazy doing his dances, we get the bottom of the social barrel. But i guess every trashcan has it's lid. Explain Hard Knock's notalkin movement.
Our NOTALKIN movement is a lot like the Army's don't ask don't tell policy. Yeah it's true we're into men, but we ain't tellin'. Who are you guys listening to?
Only the most swagger having dudes, Elton John, Liberace, Cam'ron and of course Clay.
This interview was a lot tougher to get than I initially expected. There was a lot of back and forth correspondences on Myspace, finally I got the answers I was looking for in our gmail inbox.
Now I just wish I would have asked how the "Hard Knock" name came about.
I've been a loyal fan of The (Wolf)Pack for almost four years now, much like being a 49ers or Warriors fan, it hasn't been easy. Before Young L's ridiculous auto-tune love disco dance tracks or the 30 or more myspace music pages filled with Lil B's craptasic nonsensical suburban peace and luv inspiration tracks, it was pretty easy to defend my position that The Pack is next level. It's getting rough, and harder not to feel like a teeny bopper.
Young L and Lil B keep disappointing me with their lowrent attempts to make a Gym Class Fall Out Heroes online presence. A good example is this 18 minute long video of pure discomfort.
Even after watching videos like the one above and listening to horribly shitty "songs" I find it nearly impossible to be mad at him for three reasons:
1. His diamonds
2. Songs like this
3. His skills wrangling Myspace groupies (He claims to have over 600 pictures from lady fans), here's a sampling
So in the end, I think I'll be swinging from their Lil Young Stunnarific sacks for a while longer.
If you're anything like me, you've been fantasizing about fucking the Caribou Barbie for the past 2 months. Larry Flint has brought us one step closer to realizing our dreams.
I don't really like to get into politics, but this girl is incredible. She's from San Francsico. She has a ton of videos on Youtube of her ripping giant farts. Nasty farts. Can you guess who she's voting for?
I hadn't ever seen this clip. It's off of an N2DEEP DVD from a couple years back.
Why this clip appeals to my inner soul: Tom Tom Club intro We might need to fly to Alaska or Louisiana "Whaaaa" to the mob boss baby Grown-ass champagne (Domaine Chandon ~$20) "That shit almost shot my mother fucking eye out" N2DEEP'ing'em (aka the bird)
SLAM: If you had to choose between video games and porn for the rest of your life, which one would you go with?
Gil: Porn.
SLAM: Why?
Gil: Cause I’m a man. Video games is kids stuff.
SLAM: But as far as porn goes, you can get the real thing anytime you want to. There’s no substitution for video games.
Gil: That’s what you think. ‘Real’ men don’t hit it as much, from what I’ve heard. You got a little porn in your life, it’s all there for you. If your woman’s trippin’, bam, you’ve got it.
...
SLAM: Murder, Marry and F*ck. I give you three people and you have to pick one for each.
Gil: Oh, I’ve seen that on 30 Rock. Okay.
SLAM: Alright. Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg and Star Jones. What do you do?
Gil: I’d marry Oprah of course…
SLAM: For the money?
Gil: Yeah. She’s also the cutest one out of those three. I’d f*ck….Whoopi and I’d murder Star Jones cause she has a Rottweiler’s head on a Doberman Pinscher’s body.
SLAM: She does look like a deflated parade float.
Gil: Big bobblehead.
SLAM: Alright. Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama?
Gil: That’s rough. I’d marry Obama….
SLAM: Why is that?
Gil: Cause if she got him this far in the Presidential race, I know she can do wonders for me!
SLAM: I hear that.
Gil: And uh…..I’d f*ck Palin…and who was the other one, Bush?
SLAM: Clinton. Hillary Clinton.
Gil: Yeah, and I’d marry Hillary. I mean I’d kill Hillary. She just looks conniving.
SLAM: Yes! Thank you.
Gil: She’d have you assassinated at any minute. She’s just ready to get in there and push the button.
SLAM: Speaking of politics, it looks like you’ve been replaced on the Obama/Arenas ticket by Joe Biden. How do you feel about that?
Gil: With who?
SLAM: Joe Biden.
Gil: Joe Budden?
SLAM: Joe Biden.
Gil: That’s the problem, I don’t even know who he is.
SLAM: You don’t know who Joe Biden is?
Gil: No.
SLAM: He’s Obama’s running mate.
Gil: That’s what I’m saying. I don’t know who he is. I’m the only Vice President cause I was the original Black President. So when Obama came into office, I said “I’ll slide aside, let him be in command and I’ll be his sidekick.”
SLAM: You’re probably the better backup anway. That way, if anyone kills the Black President, there’s another Black President.
Gil: That’s right. And I’m a wild card.
SLAM: What do you know about Sarah Palin?
Gil: That she’s a female Bush. Retarded. I’m not that into politics, I try to stay away until things get closer. But just from what I can tell she’s a moron. She can’t bullshit yet. As a politician she doesn’t know how to bullshit. She’ll just run around the question. “Who’s better, Kobe or LeBron?” “Well you know D.Wade, he’s been looking nice lately, so those are tough choices.” What the f*ck are you talking about?!
I've been keeping this a secret for a few months now, but seeing that it's all over the internets, I might as well address it. Yes, I'm pretty sure I'm the father of M.I.A.'s belly fetus.
Every night, I turn on a Fuck Action mixtape and concentrate (tug) really hard to doing immoral things with/to miss Maya. I always thought I was being safe, pulling out onto her fedora/Ray Bans, but it looks like some swam though.
I guess the next step is going on Maury and proving the baby is mine. I also have to let her know where to send the child support checks.
Get out your Glade Scented Candles and your hippy crystals and listen to some of these mixtapes. If you become a millionaire, I get 5%.
1. Keisha Cole - Love 4:59 2. Jamie Foxx - Do What It Do 4:51 3. Mary J. Blige - My Everything 6:20 4. Jagged Edge - Ghetto Girl 5:28 5. Ne-Yo - So Sick 4:23 6. Lil Bit - So Sick Answer 3:58 7. Pussycat Dolls feat. Avant - StickWitU (Remix) 4:05 8. Paul Wall - Girl 5:28 9. Mary J. Blige - Be Without U 4:49 10. Bun B feat. Trey Songz & Mike Jones - Hold U Down 5:06 11. Chamillionaire - Grown & Sexy 4:46 12. Chris Brown - Yo (Excuse Me) 4:28 13. New Ridahz - Special Girl 5:08 14. David Banner feat. Kool Rod Of Wreckin Yard - We Should Be Fuckin 5:25 15. O Gizzle - Speaks 2:10 16. La Toya Luckett - Torn 4:41
01 Intoxicated - Jovan Dais 02 Trading Places - Usher 03 Take You Down - Chris Brown 04 Customer - Raheem DeVaughn, R.Kelly 05 Stay Tonight - Jovan Dais 06 In This Club - Usher, Beyonce, Lil’ Wayne 07 Please Excuse My Hands - Plies, Jamie Foxx, The Dream 08 Get It - Ray Lavender, T-Pain 09 Neva Nevaland - Lyfe Jennings 10 I’m Coming Home To You Tonight - Jovan Dais 11 The Bizness - Yung Berg 12 Heaven Sent - Keyshia Cole 13 You - Raheem DeVaughn 14 R. K. - R.Kelly 15 Gizzle Moment - O.G. Ron C
01.Rick James & Teena Marie-Fire & Desire [09:45] 02.Alicia Keys-Secrets [05:45] 03.Anthony Hamilton-Charlene [05:17] 04.Amel Larrieux-For Real [04:31] 05.Nelly & Tim Mcgraw-Its All In My Head [06:02] 06.Teena Marie & Gerald Levert-A Rose By Any Other Name [06:44] 07.New Edition-Leave Me [05:00] 08.Joi-Lick [08:01] 09.Usher, Beyonce, & JD-My Boo (Remix) [04:14] 10.Lil Scrappy & Trillville-Some Cut [04:41] 11.Mariah Carey & Jadakiss-K.I.S.S Me [05:38] 12.Dem Franchise Boyz-When Can We Date [03:00] 13.Ja Rule, R Kelly, & Ashanti-Wonderful [05:32] 14."The Gizzle"-Last Word [01:08] 15.Rick James-Mary Jane [04:36]
01.Ashanti - Baby [05:23] 02.Avant - Makin Good Love [05:36] 03.B2K - Gots 2 Be [05:09] 04.Amanda Perez - Never [05:11] 05.Tweet - Smokin Cigarettes [05:11] 06.Brandy - Like This [05:36] 07.R Kelly - Naked [03:45] 08.India Arie - Ready For Love [05:22] 09.Unknown - I Swear [05:04] 10.Joe - What If A Woman [05:08] 11.Glenn Lewis - Don't You Forget It [05:03] 12.Ruff Endz - Someone To Love You [06:47] 13.Ashanti - Foolish [04:37] 14.Usher ft P Diddy - I Need A Girl [05:09] 15.OG Ron C - Outro [04:12]
DISC 2
01.OG Ron C - Intro Nice and Slow [05:16] 02.R Kelly ft Sparkle - Be Careful [05:51] 03.Slim Thug, R Kelly - Your Bodys Callin [06:47] 04.Jodeci - Feenin [06:06] 05.Gerald Levert - Thinkin Bout It [08:08] 06.Adina Howard - T Shirt & Panties [06:01] 07.Deborah Cox - Nobodys Supposed To Be Here [05:06] 08.Pressha - Splakaveli [04:21] 09.R Kelly ft Ron Isley - Down Low [06:56] 10.Case ft Joe - Faded Pictures [06:31] 11.Maxwell - Fortunate [06:03] 12.Dave Hollister - Favorite Girl [06:39] 13.Paul Wall - Freestyle [01:35] 14.OG Ron C - Outro (Contagious beat) [02:26]
01.R. Kelly Tpain T.I. - Im A Flirt [07:19] 02.T-Pain Yung Joc - Buy U A Drink [04:52] 03.Robin Thicke - Lost Without U [05:39] 04.Omarian Usher - Ice Box (Remix) [05:24] 05.Mh - Circle [05:00] 06.Tank - Please Dont Go [04:47] 07.R.Kelly, Usher - Same Girl [05:13] 08.Sammy - Come with Me [04:51] 09.Akon - Dont Matter [06:20] 10.Corinne Bailey Rae - Like A Star [04:53] 11.Eddie Cain - Sex in the City [05:03] 12.Ms.Travoria - Probation [05:23] 13.Lloyd - Get it Shawty [05:20] 14.UGK - Like that [03:19] 15.OG Ron C - Gizzle Moment [01:22] 16.Mr.Kaila - Its Alright [05:15]
1. Shanice - Every Woman Dreams 6:16 2. John Legend - So High 6:09 3. Chris Brown - Say Goodbye 4:49 4. Lyfe Fantasia - Hypothetically 5:40 5. T-Pain - In Luv Wit A Stripper 4:31 6. Pretty Ricky - Juice 6:03 7. Ciara - And I 4:31 8. Ginuwine - Whene We Make Love 4:00 9. Avant (Feat. Ying Yang Twins) - Bedroom Boom 6:01 10. Aaron Hall - Your 4:38 11. Toni B - Trippin 4:49 12. Alicia Keys - Unbreakable 4:58 13. 112 - What If 5:07 14. Jamie Foxx - Unpredictable 4:22 15. Nick Cannon - Can I Live 4:59
01. Marques Houston - Naked 02. Marques Houston - Naked (Ft. Mike Jones) (Remix) 03. Charlie Wilson - Charlie Last Name Wilson 04. R.Kelly - Kickin It With Ur Girlfriend 05. Xscape - So In Love (Exclusive) 06. Trey Songz - Gotta Make It (Ft. Aretha Franklin) (Remix) 07. Ray J - One Wish 08. Gwen Stefani - Luxurious (Ft. Slim Thug) (Remix) 09. Mariah Carey - Shake It Off (Ft. Young Jeezy) (Remix) 10. Trina - Here We Go (Ft. Kelly Rowland) 11. 50 50 Twin - Thinkin Bout Freakin U 12. Keisha Cole - I Shouldve Cheated 13. Juvenile - Rodeo 14. Young Jeezy - Tear It Up 15. Twista - Girl Tonight (Ft. Trey Songz) 16. OG Ron C - The Gizzel 17. H-Town Local - All In All
Steve, The first thing I would suggest is steroids. Make your hemi the biggest, baddest, most-contrasting-with-your-other-limpdick-arm hemi on your particular block in Brooklyn/Silverlake/The Mission/Austin. If you're a pussdog, then here are some other wayz to ACCESSORIZE YOUR HEMI:
BRACELETS: "The Bowling Arm" is made from recycled cricket balls, so you can feel good about your GRN hemi. Notice this babe showing off her handsome The Bowling Arm while working out her hemi simply by resting her heavy head (laden with deep thoughts about the frozen c(red)it market) on it.
TATTOOS: DO: Holy god damn it! This 100% SAVAGE shows off his hemi with a BEAR showing off HIS hemi. Totally self-reflexive, totally sicko. DON'T: This guy totally doesn't understand irony. Obvi, everybody with a HEMI hearts THE DUDE, but you can't be all fanboy gay about your love of Lebowski, not cool. Ditto.
ETHNIC BOOTY: Obvi, ethnic booty (even AZN) can compliment a hemi like earthworms in a garden (do ya'll compost?).
BOWLING BAG & CARTESIAN DRESS: This babe is a double threat. The square grid pattern on her dress help us to clearly see the angle of her swagger. Holding her bowling bag with her hemi, this babe is seriously heavy on the right. Obvi when one side of your body is heavier than the other it's only natural to LEAN and GET YOUR SWAGGER RIGHT.
I've been saying it for a while, Swagger Right is the best dance song out right now. It looks like the song is really starting to pick up momentum. They were recently featured on BET
They have girlies making Youtube dance videos
Lil Uno from The Pack is doing the dance
They even have white kids from some crap part of the country (possibly LA) doing the dance wrong while impersonating their favorite southern rapper (Styrofoam cup).
Last night I did some seriously introspective soul searching. I've decided I want change the name of my dongle to Yogi, or something else which implies "yoga instructor". I feel this is a good way to market/allude to it's girth and grandure. Besides high fiber diets, what else can you think of that stretches out booties as much as a yoga instructor?
On a side note, there's something else that's been bothering me lately. I always hear girls referring to the love between a weenie and a girl as a "_____ Job". It's not a job, it's a privlige. They should only be so lucky to be graced by the presence.
You can call it a tug joy or maybe a throat joy, but please, never a job.
You heard it here first: having one arm/leg bigger than the other is totally alternative.
The FASHION ESTABLISHMENT has long been telling us that the beauty of a person's face is directly related to it's symmetry: the more symmetric the more beatiful. F that noiz, symmetry is wack. ASYMMETRY is a lifestyle choice. I'm already unstable from PBRs and poppin wheelies on my fixie, time to embrace my unbalance and work out one arm and not the other. Fuck my left arm, that shit is for sleeping on.
Bowlers (who we all know are f'ing rad since The Big Lebowski is the 100% best) have been championing this look for years (they call it "bowling arm"). These guys have one huge buff arm (for hurling and BALLING) and one "sensitive" arm (for wiping and listening): I mean, LIGHTNING CRASH, doggies, that's a big FUCK YOU to GOD! He made you with limbs that were totally the same (bor-ing!). It's time for hipsters to say FU to that conformist noize and appropriate bowler's bold limb accessorizing: Can I get a what-what!?
As with any hot new fashion trend, it's important to know Asymmetric Limbz tru rootz: The tru pioneerz of AL suffered from a rare genetic disease called "Hemihypertrophy," a condition where one side of your body grows faster than the other. It's all sad and whatever, but more importantly Hemihypertrophy contains the words "HEMI" (a big Dodge engine that when embraced by hipsters is totally ironic [read:awesome]), "HYPER" (which means literally "from the motherfucking future"), and "TROPHY" (a symbol of conformist accomplishment that hipsters never won b/c they were busy discovering sizick bandz and rejecting THE RULEZ while you were playing with stupid balls [gay]). Clearly HEMIHYPERTROPHY is an amazing word.
"Asymmetrical limbz: loved by those who have one, dreamt about by those who don't."
So I've been working out my left leg and my right arm (I call it my "HEMI"), and the resulting imbalance has given me a totally UNIQUE limp. Having a sicko Hemi to show off dictates brave new fashion moves, like the ONE-SLEEVE-CUTOFF: BALLING! Obvi when I'm at work I'd like show off my Hemi, but B&B's strict dresscode won't allow me to wear my cutoff... Being awesome sparks innovation: WHERE MY LAYDEEZ!?!? Hemis are for gurlz too: and OBVI, the UNI-SLEEVE-UNI-TARD: Bold indeed.
It's stupid to voluntarily disfigure yourself, you say? Pssh! How stupid does my asymmetric right foot feel up your front-butt?
So hit the WEIGHT and throw a Hemi on that bitch! (the bitch being you.)
.JPG)
