VAMPIRES: Are WE The Suckers?

Vampires are as hot as ever (True Blood, Twilight, Katy Perry) and they aren't just after our chapstick-- they're out for our hearts. So this week BEEZIES & BANKROLLS is putting on its investigative journalist hat and brazenly muckraking the blood-barrel politics of "Big Bat." Not convinced vampires exist? Fine, I'm not sure Sting exists either, but that doesn't mean he's not worth all those fan letters I wrote him:

Dear Sting,
I'm interested in hanging out with you in your fields of gold. They sound awesome. Do you like baseball?
If I Ever Lose My Faith In You...
Evan

Dear Sting,
On your album Dolphins, you sandwich track #4 "When Dolphins Dance," between songs more masculinely titled "Fill Her Up" and "Ghost Story." I don't think you're gay, but I can see why you might be worried people might take "When Dolphins Dance" the wrong way. Good move.
Be Yourself No Matter What They Say,
Evan

He never answered my letters, masterfully lurking obscured in the shadows, free to murkily inhabit whatever forms my imagination may dream... Being that he's an expert on pretty much everything, I thought Sting should lead off our investigation into the vampire psyche (with a visual assist from Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise):

Sting - Moon Over Bourbon Street

When a flaming torch just isn't practical, vampires floss a playful decorating sense, juxtaposing lavish classical antiques with modern pendant lamps. BTW, if you thought the French manicure was dead (or just for sassy Latinas) guess again! Vampire style, like themselves, is timeless.